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Long time – no blogging…

3 nov

It’s been a long time since my last blog entry, the reason being that my mind has been busy dealing with the grief of losing people close to me.

Grief is weird in many ways. At first there’s the shock when it feels like you’ve been hit by a truck, followed by vast emptiness. Feelings of hopelessness and questions why dominate. After a while you move into a place in between where you start living «normally» again, and once again worry about the regular stuff. But then little things can trigger memories, like a song or an image in your mind, and you go straight back into the sadness again. When it feels like you’ve started to grasp what has happened, you are suddenly reminded that you have not come to terms with it, it is as unfathomable as it was when you first heard.

Losing people close to you is incredibly hard – but the worst way of losing someone is when you don’t get to say goodbye. There are always so many things you wish you could have said, and mainly of course how much you love them. There are always things you wish you had done different, that you had called more often, seen them more often etc. The thing is that you can never change those things, they are in the past. The only thing you can do is hope that they knew how you felt about them, and that they knew how much they meant to you.

During this time I have felt the love and caring of family and friends. There have been so many to support me and show me that they care, and I cannot say how much I appreciate it. Even though there is nothing anyone can do, it means so much that people are just there for support.

Losing people close to you also makes you think about the important things in life. It has made me think about how I live my life and how I take care of the people who mean the most to me. It is easy to get caught up in life’s trivialities and not have time for people as much as you would like to. But I will definitely make a bigger effort to show them that I care, and that even though I cannot always meet them as much as I would like, I think about them all the time. When you lose someone it works as a giant wake up call. A wake up call to live your life the way you really want to with no fear, and remember the things that the loved and lost ones taught you. Take chances, make changes and make sure you show the people you love that you love them.

It has also made me think about how precious life is, and to wonder about what happens when people die. Where do they go? Is there such a thing as a soul? These beautiful people who were here just a short time ago are not here anymore, and I actually find myself hoping that there is a heaven…


What’s in a name?

17 sep

You might wonder why the blog is called Lenyoloi – well there’s a very special story behind that and it goes back to a trip to South Africa in 2008. I went to SA with my karate teacher/mentor/extra dad Simon Chilembo ( to see SA for the first time and to learn more about where he came from.

I have known Simon since 1989 when I first started training karate at 6 years old. We have always had a special bond, and now almost 20 years after we first met I would finally get to see where he comes from and meet his family. One day we went to see Simon’s uncle and many of his nephews. Before we left Simon’s uncle Moses wanted us all to pray together in a circle. Moses is a very good preacher and is known for this in the family. The prayer was very long and performed in the African language Sesotho, which meant I didn’t understand any of what was said during the prayer. Afterwards we took many pictures together (the whole extended family), and afterwards Simon and I said goodbye to everyone.

Moses in the center with Simon to his right. Simon's mother in the front and center.

Sometime after we had left I asked Simon about the prayer – and he said that Moses had given thanks for having the family together again and attributed this to the angel who had come into their home. This angel who brought peace and happiness. Angel in Sesotho is «Lenyoloi» – and apparently Lenyoloi in this case was me. I later learned that sometimes when a white woman (or man) visits South Africa one can leave and have gotten an African name, it does not happen to everyone but if someone gets a special impression of you they might choose to give you an African name.

This was a very special experience for me, and one I will never forget. I will always carry the name Lenyoloi with me, and all the love and warmth from that day will always be in my heart.