Archive | november, 2010

If Only

18 Nov

If only I had been better at hiding
What my heart so incessantly wanted
If only I had been better at keeping
My thoughts of you to myself

If only I could have hid my true feelings
Kept them locked away

If only I was better at playing the stupid game
Like everyone else seems to
If only I didn’t feel the need to say
All that was on my mind

If only I could have pretended
Not to shiver every time you touched me
If only I didn’t feel so much
When you looked in my eyes

Then maybe things would have turned out different
If only…

Line Fauske, 2010

Long time – no blogging…

3 Nov

It’s been a long time since my last blog entry, the reason being that my mind has been busy dealing with the grief of losing people close to me.

Grief is weird in many ways. At first there’s the shock when it feels like you’ve been hit by a truck, followed by vast emptiness. Feelings of hopelessness and questions why dominate. After a while you move into a place in between where you start living «normally» again, and once again worry about the regular stuff. But then little things can trigger memories, like a song or an image in your mind, and you go straight back into the sadness again. When it feels like you’ve started to grasp what has happened, you are suddenly reminded that you have not come to terms with it, it is as unfathomable as it was when you first heard.

Losing people close to you is incredibly hard – but the worst way of losing someone is when you don’t get to say goodbye. There are always so many things you wish you could have said, and mainly of course how much you love them. There are always things you wish you had done different, that you had called more often, seen them more often etc. The thing is that you can never change those things, they are in the past. The only thing you can do is hope that they knew how you felt about them, and that they knew how much they meant to you.

During this time I have felt the love and caring of family and friends. There have been so many to support me and show me that they care, and I cannot say how much I appreciate it. Even though there is nothing anyone can do, it means so much that people are just there for support.

Losing people close to you also makes you think about the important things in life. It has made me think about how I live my life and how I take care of the people who mean the most to me. It is easy to get caught up in life’s trivialities and not have time for people as much as you would like to. But I will definitely make a bigger effort to show them that I care, and that even though I cannot always meet them as much as I would like, I think about them all the time. When you lose someone it works as a giant wake up call. A wake up call to live your life the way you really want to with no fear, and remember the things that the loved and lost ones taught you. Take chances, make changes and make sure you show the people you love that you love them.

It has also made me think about how precious life is, and to wonder about what happens when people die. Where do they go? Is there such a thing as a soul? These beautiful people who were here just a short time ago are not here anymore, and I actually find myself hoping that there is a heaven…